White Picket Fence

Imagine you are looking to buy a house in a nice suburb in a beautiful neighborhood. In the neighborhood there are three houses for sale. One day you decide to drive by the houses to check them out. As you are driving by, you stop in front of the first house. The first thing you notice about the house is the tall cinder block fence surrounding the house. Barbed wire protrudes out the top of the fence. You can hardly see the house past the ugly grey fence. What would be your initial reaction to the house? Without even going inside the house, would you want to buy it? Moving on from the first house, you drive down a little way and stop at the next house for sale. As you examine the house and yard, you observe that there are a couple of fence posts in the corners of the yard but no fence connecting them. You also see a few paths in the grass from frequent travelers passing through the yard. What do you think of this house? Would you want to buy this one? Driving a little farther down the street, you stop in front of the third house. Surrounding this house is a beautiful white picket fence. The lawn is green, and there is a nice view of the house behind the fence. What are your thoughts about this house? If internally, all the houses were similar, which house would you most want to buy? Why?

Personally, I would want the house with the white picket fence. Why? Well the first house to me seems to have too many boundaries. The cinder block fence seems to be sending the message, “keep out”. The second house on the other hand doesn’t seem to have enough boundaries. The paths in the grass seem to tell people the owners don’t care who comes through their property. The third house on the other hand has set, firm boundaries, but the boundaries aren’t so harsh that no one ever comes to their house. If you’ve ever taken a good look at picket fences you would notice that there is just as much space as there is fence. There is a balance between them and this balance exists through the entire fence or boundary.

Now let’s apply this metaphor to families. What type of boundaries should exist in a family? If you were to map out your family boundaries at this very moment, what would those boundaries between you and each of your family members look like? Are there rigid boundaries with little exchange or information or warmth, like the first house? Are there diffuse boundaries where the boundaries are easily violated, like the second house? Or like the third house, are there clear boundaries where there is a healthy and quality exchange of information and warmth? The goal for each family should be clear boundaries, but sometimes that goal is very hard to achieve.

There is a theory in the world of social sciences called family systems theory. This theory sees families as a system where each family member has a specific and important role to play to keep the family running. If we use this theory in terms of the boundaries we discussed earlier, how well would your family “run” so to speak if there are rigid boundaries between you and your father or you and your sister? The family probably isn’t going to work as well as it should, is it? That’s because families are like ecosystems; if one part isn’t playing its role in the circle of life, then the whole system is going to be affected. That’s why clear boundaries between family members are the goal. Rigid and diffuse boundaries are harmful to the family system.

With this information in mind, I encourage you to examine your own family and what boundaries may be affecting your system. How can you change a rigid boundary to a clear boundary? What role do you play in your own family? What can you do to improve your family system?