The Purpose of Parenting

What is the purpose of parenting? While there are many possible answers to this question, and you probably have many, I want to focus on one answer. According to Dr. Michael H. Popkin, founder of the program, Active Parenting, the purpose of parenting is to protect and prepare children to survive and thrive in the world they are going to live in. I love this answer because of his emphasis on parenting children for the world they are going to live in. Parents tend to either use the parenting style their parents used on them or the exact opposite of what they experienced. But what worked in the past does not and will not work in the world your kids will or are growing up in now.

I’ve heard from many people that their parents used an authoritarian or “dictator” parenting style to raise them. Their parents used punishments and control to get their kids to do what they wanted. This parenting approach may have worked in the past when more governments were monarchy’s and compliance was required, but now that we live in a more democratic world, the authoritative parenting style really only creates contention within the family unit. What I’ve learned however from my classes and from the books I’ve read on this topic, is that if obedience is your only objective in parenting, you will fail miserably. Children don’t learn much through being forced to obey. Countless studies have shown that children who grow up in authoritarian households will either rebel for independence or comply to the extent that they are overly dependent on their parents to make decisions. Neither of these outcomes benefit the child in any way especially when they have to enter the world on their own.

On the flip side, the opposite of the authoritarian parenting style is the permissive or “doormat” approach to parenting. In this style of parenting, parents do not set limits on their children’s behavior out of fear of being controlling. They allow their children to make decisions without any consequences whatsoever. Children who grow up with this approach do not learn how to set limits and boundaries for themselves. They make reckless decisions because they are not in control of their emotions. In both parenting styles, parents do not teach children how to understand and express their feelings. Parents are so focused on getting their children to obey that they forget about their children’s needs and feelings.

In order to protect and prepare children like Dr. Popkin says, parents need to take an active or authoritarian approach to parenting. Parents allow freedoms within set but expanding limits. The key to this parenting style is to allow children the freedom of options and choices. Children don’t learn to make good decisions by being coerced to obey. They learn to make good decisions by making decisions. Some child psychologists also call this approach emotion coaching. Parents teach and model to their children how to control and monitor their emotions. They explain to them what they are feeling and how their actions resulting from those feelings affect other people. Active parents raise their children to be respectful and responsible.

One way parents are able to do this is through what Dr. Popkin calls the problem-handling model. When a problem arises, the first question to ask is: who owns the problem? Who does it directly affect or who’s goals is the problem blocking? If the child owns the problem, parents should allow the natural consequences to do the teaching instead of punishing or lecturing. Natural consequences will be the best teacher except if the choice or problem is dangerous, if the consequences are too far in the future to be of any benefit, or if others are affected or harmed in the process.

If the parents own the problem, there are four progressive steps parents should take to teach their children. The first is to make a polite request with emphasis on polite. When we talk and act respectfully to children, they will learn to be respectful in return. If children do not heed the polite requests, then parents should make “I” statements. In this instance, parents would say for example, “When you leave a mess in the living room, I feel taken advantage of because I either have to leave the living room messy or pick up your mess myself. I would like you to pick up your things before we eat dinner.” If children still can’t do what their parents ask, then parents should make a firm statement of what they would like the child to do. Then again if the children still do not obey, then parents can provide logical consequences for their child’s actions. These steps will help your children learn to become responsible and respectful.