Communication

One of the most common reasons couples give for going to couples therapy is that they can’t communicate. Therapists hear over and over that Linda said one thing and Ryan heard another and now they can’t agree on anything. But interestingly enough, most people don’t even know what proper communication is. The most common misconception is that communication is simply stating your position or opinion on a certain topic. However, what is left out of this kind of “communication” is the receiving of the message. If the message has not been received, communication has not occurred. Good communication is a two-way street, not a dead end.

If you take a look at the diagram, you’ll see that communication starts with the sender but also ends with the sender. Communication is just one big loop. The sender has thoughts or feelings that are encoded into a medium which is then decoded by the receiver back into thoughts or feelings. If the sender is not clear on what thoughts or feelings they are trying to send, then the receiver will most likely not decode the same thoughts or feelings. Communication is all about understanding thoughts and feelings. That’s why the medium of communication, the channel through which you send the message matters so much.

There are three channels of communication: words, nonverbal, and tone. Most messages are sent through the nonverbal channel, fifty-one percent to be exact. Tone follows with thirty-five percent and then words with a mere fourteen percent. What we learn from this is that what we say has very little effect on the communication process, but how we say it does. For example, if you were on a date with someone and they said, “I’m having a lot of fun”, but they have their arms folded, with a frown on their face, and no exclamation in their voice, are you going to believe that they’re really having a good time? Probably not.

Once the receiver has received and decoded the message, they then encode a message of their own back based on their thoughts and feelings. The message goes through a media channel and then the sender decodes that message. This is what is called the feedback loop. If there is no feedback from the receiver, how can the sender know that a message has been received? It is the responsibility of the receiver to send that feedback.

However, it is the responsibility of the sender to be as clear as possible when sending a message so there is no chance of misunderstanding. What good is trying to communicate if you don’t say exactly what you feel or think? Lots of people are guilty of attacking their partner when trying to communicate their feelings. They say things like, “you’re so selfish” or “you never listen to me” or “you don’t care about me”. Does saying these kinds of things communicate your underlying feelings or wants? No, it doesn’t. When communicating, you need to say how you feel. Say things like, “I miss you” or “I want to spend time with you” or “I feel sad.” Focusing how you feel will help you get your message across more effectively. Communicating how you feel will encourage empathy from the receiver. They will validate your thoughts and feelings and will be able to feel with you. As part of their feedback, they will also be able to paraphrase your message which tells you that you communicated clearly and successfully.

A word of caution however: couples should never try to communicate while angry, and they should never validate anger. Reflecting anger doesn’t meet any needs and leads individuals to attack their partner. Like I said before, we need to focus on our needs and feelings and when we’re angry, we’re physically unable to do that. The hallmark of a healthy relationship is being able to influence each other by communicating clearly and effectively.